Sunday, April 19, 2009
My dear Adam,
After 20 years of co - existence I have decided to call it off and free myself from the mental ties that bound me to you rather tightly.
At first this binding was too tight; I mistook it for your love and posessiveness; and I revelled in it. While your grip remained the same, my own mistake began to dawn on me: that I was being mentally held as a captive and perceived as an object of use rather than a human companion. I mistook the bindings to be bondings. Some of my feelings must have revealed themselves to you, so you began to tighten your grip on my mind. We floated ahead in life together - you: basking in the power you had gained over my life; and me: blissfully unaware of how deep the binds had etched themselves into my being. There were always other priorities too - for me: the children and for you: to make more money disguised in the shape of age old saying 'to provide for the family'. In our own way we pursued our individual goals but together, while we emerged as a dysfunctional family. I wonder what took it so long to emerge. There could be a thousand reasons - my total commitment to you which blinded me to all your faults; your taking my commitment for granted, our one goal (common) to see our children prosper; & a million things. But I AM glad it took so long. The good that came from it was that both our kids were only partially hurt (hopefully, coz they are normal kids). Your inner prsonality had begun to show it's true colours but by then the children had already left home to be independent individuals.
But the toxic material underlying our priorities eventually raised it's ugly had....At times I wonder if cancer feels like this.
You have changed your guise from covered to open abuse and my rejection of being subjected to it has surfaced openly. Some where along the line we had begun to live 2 separate lives under one roof. Lives of mingling pain, chronic conflicts, self denials, ingoring problems, bad memories and built up negativities along with a feeling of general ill being. Dissatisfactions rose to disproportionate heights and bitterness has become the backdrop of our life.Your binding has suffocated me, and hurt my insides. I have lost myself some where.
But that was yesterday - a long long yesterday which lasted for more than 20 years. But not today. My today has changed. I am going to breathe free of any suffocation, and I am going to stop hurting my insides. I need myself and I am going to find me back for myself. Your binding has already come loose because of my resolve. My breathing has become easy as I have decided to restart living life. I know it is a tough call. It will be a long struggle, probably an ongoing process, but at least the process has begun and I will find all the resources to free myself from your ill bindings, dear Adam.
Now there will be no undercurrents of supression, or the wounding of my soul. My today has begun. It may be a shorter today than my long yesterday. But a shorter life well-lived is far more worth living than decades of mere co-existence full of pain and hurt.