Thursday, July 9, 2009

Destiny Decides....!!!

In my last post several months ago I had poured out my heart. The response of all my friends in blogsphere gave me support and encouragement. Some of you have written warm comments and expressed concern over my long silence since then. This has prompted me to write again today specially for those friends. But this will be no good piece of writing, as I feel uninspired at this time. so please bear with me.
After spending a wonderful 4 week vacation with my daughters in the USA; I was feeling a new energy and zest for life. Even now my mind is certainly free and I have a sense of freedom from any control or captivity. However; before I could work out a long term plan of living, destiny intervened and took all my decisions for me.
On my return from the US, my husband had a second fall and dislodged the implant in his spine which had been there for 7 months. The fall rendered him completely immobilised and another major surgery became imminent. It threw my own thought process out of gear. The choice was clear. Me being who/how I am, I put away all my thoughts of independence and went ahead to assist him in his surgery - lock stock and barrel. I dont know if my decisions were right or wrong, but I do know that I could never have walked away over this situation. As I write this post I am a week old in the hospital and he has undergone a long and intricate surgery to remove the old and displaced implant. A new and and bigger titanium implant has been fixed in his spine, and liquid protein has been injected for fusing the fractured portion. I believe we will be able to go to rehab and then home in a few days.
Having set my mind free, this phase of being in the hospital though caring for the same person who feels no remorse ever for any wrong doings, and inspite of being in similar circumstances as before, it has still not been as painful as before. Nothing has changed on the surface, but there is a definite calmness in my heart. It hurts many times very deep down, but only momentarily. Freedom from within myself embalms my wounds. The cross road of my life does make me this what I want; am I doing right; is this who I want to be. These are all the questions I want answers to, but have none right now.
I am relaxed in my heart that once this phase is over, I will probably have my life back. My life that I want to live - may be not a very eventful one, but more peaceful one, where I have all the time to be myself.
But for now, and perhaps a few weeks, it is the hospital. ... 24 x 7. wakeful nights. Feeding by spoon. Doctors, nurses, ward attendants, physio therapy, wheel chair, walker, baby steps, and the works. **************************************************************
My vacation with my daughters in the US was just beautiful. I will always cherish all the times we spent together. Here are some pictures from the vacation.