Thursday, July 9, 2009

Destiny Decides....!!!


In my last post several months ago I had poured out my heart. The response of all my friends in blogsphere gave me support and encouragement. Some of you have written warm comments and expressed concern over my long silence since then. This has prompted me to write again today specially for those friends. But this will be no good piece of writing, as I feel uninspired at this time. so please bear with me.
After spending a wonderful 4 week vacation with my daughters in the USA; I was feeling a new energy and zest for life. Even now my mind is certainly free and I have a sense of freedom from any control or captivity. However; before I could work out a long term plan of living, destiny intervened and took all my decisions for me.
On my return from the US, my husband had a second fall and dislodged the implant in his spine which had been there for 7 months. The fall rendered him completely immobilised and another major surgery became imminent. It threw my own thought process out of gear. The choice was clear. Me being who/how I am, I put away all my thoughts of independence and went ahead to assist him in his surgery - lock stock and barrel. I dont know if my decisions were right or wrong, but I do know that I could never have walked away over this situation. As I write this post I am a week old in the hospital and he has undergone a long and intricate surgery to remove the old and displaced implant. A new and and bigger titanium implant has been fixed in his spine, and liquid protein has been injected for fusing the fractured portion. I believe we will be able to go to rehab and then home in a few days.
Having set my mind free, this phase of being in the hospital though caring for the same person who feels no remorse ever for any wrong doings, and inspite of being in similar circumstances as before, it has still not been as painful as before. Nothing has changed on the surface, but there is a definite calmness in my heart. It hurts many times very deep down, but only momentarily. Freedom from within myself embalms my wounds. The cross road of my life does make me think...is this what I want; am I doing right; is this who I want to be. These are all the questions I want answers to, but have none right now.
I am relaxed in my heart that once this phase is over, I will probably have my life back. My life that I want to live - may be not a very eventful one, but more peaceful one, where I have all the time to be myself.
But for now, and perhaps a few weeks, it is the hospital. ... 24 x 7. wakeful nights. Feeding by spoon. Doctors, nurses, ward attendants, physio therapy, wheel chair, walker, baby steps, and the works. **************************************************************
My vacation with my daughters in the US was just beautiful. I will always cherish all the times we spent together. Here are some pictures from the vacation.











http://www.lillyslife.com/

38 comments:

introspection said...

..

Gaston Studio said...

Destiny; something we can't ignore.

jinksy said...

All strength and power to you for behaving in a way true to your own nature. My healing vibes go out to you, and may you soon discover lasting happiness and contentment.
Love and hugs to a brave lady. :)

indicaspecies said...

Let's learn to treasure the peace in our heart always.

Lovely pictures. Thank you for dropping by at my blog and leaving behind your footsteps. Cheers!

SandyCarlson said...

I am glad your life is coming together again. Those were some tough challenges with your husband's back. You are a strong person.

Debbie said...

I am so glad you are finding peace within. You are a very strong woman to change your plans immediately and do this journey with your husband.
Your trip and visit with you daughters sounds, and looks, like it was great.

♥ Braja said...

Wonderful piece, Intro....nice to meet up with you and I hope it's long and fruitful for both :) xx

The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street said...

I am happy to see you're back!

I was checking your blog for new posts. I see you were on vacation for a long time!
Thank you for coming to visit me again. I am delighted to see you are back! And glad that you are pulling through...

Hilary said...

You must have amazing strength and resolve. I hope everything works out for you. Best thougths being sent your way.

Hilary said...

Oh.. and your photos are gorgeous!

Eddie Bluelights said...

I am very pleased to see you back - noticed your various comments here and there.
I respect your decision enormously but recognise that it is a very difficult time for you.
I'd love to offer you a measure of brandy at my place but sorry to say I have only tea or coffee.
Hope to see you soon ~ Eddie with my best wishes.

Louise said...

First, thank you for visiting my post regarding the Laura Ingalls Wilder homestead. I'm just now having a chance to return those visits, so I came.

I've never been here before, but I read this post and the last. I don't have a lot to say but that my heart is with you, and I know you will come out OK eventually. Your strength and attitude are amazing. Your responsible nature which potentially was part of why it took so long for the dysfunction to fully emerge is admirable. I believe you are doing the right thing from the little I know. At least for now. You will be free. This will be over. You will be fine. In two posts, I say you are amazing.

Another Kiran In NYC said...

My first visit to your blog and I am overwhelmed by your generosity of spirit. As women, mothers and wives and everything that we are to men, we do have a burden to bear in every relationship. Perhaps because we are so resilient. You, are certainly an example of that.

Judging from the pictures you posted, your visit to your daughters must have been such a respite.

I hope your spouse is better everyday and you are closer to your goal of an independent life for your very own happiness.

Mariana Soffer said...

This post is in a way syncronized with mine, here you took the position about nature decides, where in my post I ope it also to nurture and all the intermidiate points.
http://singyourownlullaby.blogspot.com/2009/06/depression-and-culture.html

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introspection said...

@ Gaston Studio.
Thanks for your kind words. I am your follower now onwards.

@jinksy
Your words give me courage to face tougher situations. I owe my strength to you friends and my lovely daughters. Thanks for your love and affection.:)

@indicaspecies
Your visit is important to me. And your pictures are fabulous. Thanks for leaving your imprints.

@SandyCarlson
My husband's back is now better and we are home. But it will be a while untill he gets back to being independent again. But the worst is over I guess. Thanks for your supportive comments at my post. You are an amzing friend yourself. Thank you again.

@ Debbie
Yes Debbie. I have found peace from within. And the visit to my daughters was unforgettable. I keep reliving it. Thanks for stopping by and leaving those kind words.

@Braja
Thank you for visiting my blog. I just love your posts, and admire you for being such a large hearted person. I am still embroiled in my own stuff but meeting up with the likes of you, I am now trying to find myself and live a peaceful existence. appreciate your words, thanks again.

Will be responding to the rest of my friends separately.

Maggie May said...

Hope you are feeling better in yourself and can work things through.
Hope your husband gets over the implant really well too.You sound as though you have had a rough time but I don't really know all the ins & outs.
Thank you for visiting me. I see a good few people I know who visit your blog, so it must be good!

introspection said...

@ The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street:

Many thanks to you for visiting me and leaving your kind words. I missed the blogworld too, but now I am back, enjoying reading and atleast leaving comments. My spouse is back home and improving, and I am comfortable most times from within doing what I chose to do and in the hope taht I will have a better life ahead which is already a work in progress.
Thanks again, hoping to see more of your work soon.
cheers..!!!

@ Hilary:
Thanks for visiting and leaving yr kind words. I draw my strength from well meaning friends at blosphere, like you. Your photos are gorgeous specially the recent one "Queens, Kings & Wings". you take the viewer along with you to each location of the shot.

@ Eddie Bluelights:

Thanks for visiting Eddie. Yes, I am happy to be around in the midst of great company. I am sure we have all come to regard each other as integral to our lives. Thanks to such wonderful people around like David & company. Thanks for offering brandy, but tea would do very well as I am a born teatotaler. Nothing would be better than an English cuppa tea. Thanks for all the warmth.

@ Louise:
Grateful for your visit and kind words. You wrote that you do not have lot to say. But my friend you have said something important to raise my confidence by "Your responsible nature which potentially was part of why it took so long for the dysfunction to fully emerge is admirable". It's a good feeling if you hear such kind words.
Your posts are beautiful, and I hope to go back and read more soon.Thanks again.

@ Another Kiran In NYC:
Thanks for visiting and leaving your kind comments. I loved visiting you. Your family is beautiful: savour and treasure them.
Yes indeed, our resilience as women of such importance, (but some times perceived as 'Women of no importance') does put a burden on our living: well said Kiran. Thanks again.

@ Mariana Soffer :
First of all many thanks for visiting me and leaving those imprints. It took me to your post and I am amazed at your wonderful post and more importantly the comments thereof. You are a philosopher. I did'nt get a chance to laeve my comments there, but will do so. Your folloing is huge too. thanks again fr visiting.

@ OSAI Chella :
Thanks for your visit. I love blogchai.com.

@ Maggie May:
Many thanks for visiting and leaving your imprints. My husband is progressing well, thank you. But he still has a long way to go. Yes indeed, I am in very prestigious company in blogsphere. I think I am just lucky bcoz my posts are just about normal living, nothing special. You are very kind Maggie, I loved visiting your blog. Good luck with Rick.

Jay said...

I have just read your previous post, and now this one. You will feel less bound and confined simply because of the decision that you have made. You are staying now, because you can't in all conscience do anything else, but you know that it is from choice, and in the future you can be free if you wish.

I hope your husband's healing and rehabilitation go smoothly, and you are able to progress to where you want to be without too much delay. Meanwhile, whether he is grateful or not, you are doing what you need to do, and what is right - and it will perhaps give you some breathing space and time to think.

RuneE said...

I fell I'm intruding in a very personal matter - but I wish you well.

PS Thank you for the comment!

zeenatsyal said...

I think youre very strong to be able deal with such hardships. may god give you all the strength and courage. And the pics are awesome.

Another Kiran In NYC said...

Introspection.. your suggestion that we meet in NYC in the fall, might come to fruition even earlier. I am going to be in your city the entire month of august. Do email me at anotherkiraninnyc@gmail.com and perhaps we can establish contact. I look forward to meeting you. I have never met a fellow blogger before, and I think it would be exciting.

Pinkerbell said...

Intro - After reading this post I wanted to know more about your situation, so I read your previous post. Your situation and the power of your emotions shining from your writing has really touched my heart. I have so many thoughts about how I could help you, I don't know what to write first...

I'll start with the quote which set me off onto my recent path of self-healing (I keep a book of quotes and read them when I need strength):

"You save yourself or you remain unsaved"
(Alice Sebold from her book Lucky)

You have made the first steps towards saving yourself by cutting the mental ties which bind. Physical ties are much easier to endure if your mind is free. You are a caring person so you naturally want to help your husband whilst he is ill, but don't see it as weakness, you have chosen to do this. Just keep on preserving the shield you have now managed to place around your emotional self and don't let him back in whilst you are calmly planning the next stage of your life. You say "yesterday" lasted 20 years, so you can certainly take your time planning your happy tomorrow. Ask for help from those you trust - you save yourself, but you don't have to do it alone.

Take care and stay safe.

ellen abbott said...

Perhaps by now you are living your own life, if not then soon. Making the decision to start over is the hardest part and after that decision is made then the pain is easier to bear because now it is only temporary.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

david mcmahon said...

Welcome back, from everyone in Blogland to you.

Shadow said...

wishing your hubby strength and a full recovery! thank you for visiting...

Cyrille said...

My heart goes out to you. I am sorry to hear about your husband's fall but am glad to know that he would be okay. I can understand why you felt the way you did as you were caring for him. My mom also complains of the same thing(having to take care of my pop with a personality disorder who has to thrive on antidep meds from www.OrderDrugs.ca), but I have no choice but to tell her that hating him for something he can't control would only deepen the hurt. I commend you for your brevity. On the bright side, at least you had some memorable times as you were visiting your daughter then.

The Things We Carried said...

You have risen above that which you were given.

Dear friend, how glad I was to see your words at my blog! Please give an update to us!

What do you dream of? Write of that!

Eddie Bluelights said...

I was overjoyed to see your comment on my Wizard Of Oz film trailer - thank you so very much for your kind and encouraging comments.
I shall lookout for your's with enthusiasm.
I have started writing and the ideas are now flowing freely with the assistance if my Thinking Hat. I shall have to find a special part for you in there somewhere. It will not be like the 1939 version I can promise.
That evil, nasty wicked witch of the West has all blogland locked up in his castle all 1000 of us with the grand Wizard oF Aussie as well - HELP ~ Eddie

The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street said...

How are you? :-)

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hi - you wanted me to let you know when I was going 'live' with OZ.
Well I have and epsidode 2 has just been published (posted sorry).
Regards ~ Eddie

Antarman said...

First time here.your post touched me somewhere in my heart, we women are like that, never shirk from duty or doing the right thing.

Wish you all the best!

Maggie May said...

This is a very poignant post and I do agree that life doles out a pile of dung sometimes.

Many thanks for your very kind comment on my blog. I do believe I can get a scan done here privately quite soon and I am going to be finding out during this coming week. I believe there will be no need to travel so far.But I do appreciate your suggestion very much. Thank you.

Nuts in May

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Eddie Bluelights said...

Hi
Just dropping by to give you my best wishes and hope you are OK.
~ Eddie

Eddie Bluelights said...

A very Happy Christmas to you ~ Eddie

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Eddie said...

Hope you see this. I am having a little reunion ball at my place - Eddie