Sunday, April 19, 2009

Letter From A Free Mind.

My dear Adam,

After 20 years of co - existence I have decided to call it off and free myself from the mental ties that bound me to you rather tightly.

At first this binding was too tight; I mistook it for your love and posessiveness; and I revelled in it. While your grip remained the same, my own mistake began to dawn on me: that I was being mentally held as a captive and perceived as an object of use rather than a human companion. I mistook the bindings to be bondings. Some of my feelings must have revealed themselves to you, so you began to tighten your grip on my mind. We floated ahead in life together - you: basking in the power you had gained over my life; and me: blissfully unaware of how deep the binds had etched themselves into my being. There were always other priorities too - for me: the children and for you: to make more money disguised in the shape of age old saying 'to provide for the family'. In our own way we pursued our individual goals but together, while we emerged as a dysfunctional family. I wonder what took it so long to emerge. There could be a thousand reasons - my total commitment to you which blinded me to all your faults; your taking my commitment for granted, our one goal (common) to see our children prosper; & a million things. But I AM glad it took so long. The good that came from it was that both our kids were only partially hurt (hopefully, coz they are normal kids). Your inner prsonality had begun to show it's true colours but by then the children had already left home to be independent individuals.

But the toxic material underlying our priorities eventually raised it's ugly had....At times I wonder if cancer feels like this.
You have changed your guise from covered to open abuse and my rejection of being subjected to it has surfaced openly. Some where along the line we had begun to live 2 separate lives under one roof. Lives of mingling pain, chronic conflicts, self denials, ingoring problems, bad memories and built up negativities along with a feeling of general ill being. Dissatisfactions rose to disproportionate heights and bitterness has become the backdrop of our life.Your binding has suffocated me, and hurt my insides. I have lost myself some where.

But that was yesterday - a long long yesterday which lasted for more than 20 years. But not today. My today has changed. I am going to breathe free of any suffocation, and I am going to stop hurting my insides. I need myself and I am going to find me back for myself. Your binding has already come loose because of my resolve. My breathing has become easy as I have decided to restart living life. I know it is a tough call. It will be a long struggle, probably an ongoing process, but at least the process has begun and I will find all the resources to free myself from your ill bindings, dear Adam.

Now there will be no undercurrents of supression, or the wounding of my soul. My today has begun. It may be a shorter today than my long yesterday. But a shorter life well-lived is far more worth living than decades of mere co-existence full of pain and hurt.

Today's me.


introspection said...


lolit said...

you made me cry and bringing back those memories,ahh was it unfair? i felt it the same many years back, but finally come to my sense,here i am still struggling. so let's try to move on. agree?

lolit said...

thanks for reading my blog by the way,always keep in touch.

Lola said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog.

I'm here astounded at what I have just read, unaware of who you are, if this is fiction or a monumental piece of YOUR reality.

I will creep back silently and return to read more in a moment. I'm just too naked right now to fully absorb this overwhelming piece of writing.

Thank you, however. It's like the aftershock of a beneficial emotional earthquake.


muthu said...

wow...... If what you have written is real, I then hope from the bottom of my heart that your today turns out as sunny and happy you deserve to be..........

Would I be interfering If I asked Is it really real??

You have no obligations to answer the q, I just wanted to know.... My be I can write something 4 you in that case.....

Robynn's Ravings said...

Dear Introspection,

I thank you most kindly for stopping by my blog and leaving such a caring and complimentary comment about the post.

It never dawned on me, until I read some of the other comments, that yours might be a work of fiction. I was so drawn in and my heart went out to you. And it certainly still does if this is about you.

I also divorced an abusive man many years ago. Started as emotional control and then escalated, as it nearly always does. I didn't have a father figure in my life and was ripe for the picking for someone who seemed so "caring" with all that control.

Long story but again, my heart goes out to you if this is the path you are walking now. Many blessings to you. And again, thank you.

introspection said...

Many thanks every one for your kind words. I wish that what I have written was work of fiction. It is not, unfortunately.

@ Lolit: yes, dear. Let's try to move on. Struggle is inevitable, if you have to free yourself. Thanks for visiting.

@ Lola: My friend, this is no fiction. It's my endeavour to free my mind. Thank you for your kind words, I look frwrd to reading more of your blogs.

@ muthu: Thank you for your good wishes of a sunny and happy To-day. I need all the good wishes of friends.
Your writings are so philosophical, and beautiful. I will be honoured if you wrote some thing for me. I hope I have answered your Q.

@ Robynn's Ravings:
I loved reading it; our blog is amazing.
No my friend this is no piece of Fictional Writing, I wish it were. I am walking this path right now, but hope to walk on better grounds in future. As starters I am leaving for the US, to visit my kids and I am sure to return emotionally rich.
Many thanks for passing by, and your kind words ! your story sounds like mine, except I was naive not to see what was written on the wall all along. Thanks again for your good wishes. I need them.

Arley said...

What a very sad story. I wish you the best of luck in your new journey! It may be a rough one, but it will be better for you in the long run!

Nessa said...

Here's to a new dawn!

jinksy said...

All power to your elbow for deciding to become who you are! Good luck for the future... xxx

Gaston Studio said...

Sorry about this part in your past but it sounds as if you've gotten yourself pulled through to TODAY! Congratulations.

super tweak said...

Thank you for coming by my blog today! Im so glad to have found ypurs. This post was so powerful. It is hard cutting such a large part of our lives out but sometimes it really is the best thing we could do for ourself. I know because I had to cut the wonan who gave birth to my 3 younger sisters an I after 23 years of being hers. It is hard but Im much better for it.

Wishing lots of strength & happines to you!

The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street said...

Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. And yes, Authorblog does live up to his blog encourage excellence in others...
I find your writing powerful!
I am going to sign up as a follower.
Yes you are right, my photos are all different images with different tales to tell...all linked by one single theme. I am impressed that you see the logic in my pictures. :-)

SandyCarlson said...

An honest, clear letter. I came to this after reading the poem "Lying" on your other blog. How we arrive at the truth can be painful. The other side of that pain...all possibility!

AmitASH said...

Some attention needed and some comments sought from your side here

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Wow! This is very moving! I admire your authenticity, and your courage. Thanks for visiting my blog! I'm so glad you led me here...this is a beautiful post! Blessings to you as you move forward~Janine XO

Jo said...

Introspection, this is one of the most moving blog posts I have read -- ever. It takes such courage to do what you are doing, and I think you know that everyone here in the blogging world supports you.

My mother used to use a gardening term to refer to certain things in life too -- "cut away the dead wood and the garden will bloom much better." Think of your life as the garden, and you are doing what is necessary to bloom. You are cutting away the dead wood.

introspection said...

@ Arley: Thanks for your good wishes. Yes, rough road ahead.

@ Nessa: Many thanks Nessa. Cheers!

@ Jinksy: Your support empowers my thinking. And I value it sincerely. Thank you.

@ Gaston Studio: Thanks for stopping by and for your encouraging words. Yours is such a great post. I am grateful to know you.

@ super tweak: Yes, it is hard to cut off such a large part of your life, I know. That is the hardest part perhaps. Once that decision has been made it gets a little easier. I am yet to find out the rest, but I feel better already.
I am sorry to know your side of the story. Must be really tough to part from the one who gave birth to you. I have very loving memory of my parents.
Thanks again for your support. I am glad I visited your post. Will be back.

@ The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street: You are the winner of all posts, I think.
Thanks for stopping by and for your kind thoughts. I am going to sign up to follow your posts too.
Need all the good wishes, my friend, thank you.

@ SandyCarlson: Thanks for visiting. Yes, you are so right that it hurts when you arrive at the truth. The revelation is awful, it leaves you numb to know that life was not what you thought it to be. It is very painful. Thanks for giving a thoughful opinion.

@ AmitASH : I already responded to your comment at appropriate place. It's best to ignore these self styled 'authority' on who/what is best for our country. Anil Kumar's language can kill the best debate. He is sic...! 's all I can say.

introspection said...

@Sniffles and Smiles: Dear Janine. Thanks for stopping by, and leaving your kind words and blessings. I need them all, and I am sure I will pull through now. It is the decision making which is tough, I guess. I know I will survive it all. many thanks again.

@ Dear Jo... I have missed you recently. Was too embroiled in this rut of life, but I have been reading (& commenting on) all your posts, as they are what I have grwon on, in the last few months. Thanks for your kind thoughts. Yes, it takes a lot of courage to do it. It took me 2 decades or more. And your mom is right...the dead wood must be cut away in order to bloom.
Yes, I am ever so grateful to my friends in the blogging world for all their's very precious.
Thank you Jo.

The Things We Carried said...

I mistook the bindings to be bondings...

Dear you. I am so sorry to read of the depth of pain you have lived in. I am deeply saddened to hear of the loss of your dreams that has occurred over many, many aching years. As a woman, I feel a sisterhood to you and want to shield you from what you have written, and yet know it is not possible. With the light shining in may you walk out of the darkness.

How many woman have felt just exactly as you, we could only guess. But I know it is as countless as grains of sand.

Sending you my wishes for your strength and courage!

muthu said...


I have written the promised post....

It s titled "The spring" and I have just posted it in my blog....

hope it helps you.....

Lilly said...

Amazing and I so identify! You took back control of your life. All power to you. The road is long but so worth it. Beautifully written BRAVO TO YOU!

introspection said...

@ The Things We Carried:
Your words were so consoling, and my apologies for responding so late. But you will be glad to know I am currently in the US (New York)visiting my lovely daughter away from the dark life, though this is a temperory break. But it feels wonderful to be here, and I will be visiting my other daughter in San Fransisco soon. it's a great feeling for now and will give me the much needed fillip in charting out a future for myself.
Thanks for your thoughful words.

@ Muthu:
Thanks indeed for the post "spring" you wrote for me. I have already read and written how great your writing it, and I feel humbled and honored altogther. thanks.

@ Lilly:
Yes, I am probably not the first woman to tread those paths. But it is painful. I am currently in the US, very relaxed to have this break with my daughters.
I am ever so grateful to all my blog friends for their support and kind words. It means a lot to me.

Helen said...

I am so glad I found time to visit you this evening .... your words have forced me (in a good way) to push on through to the finish line.
Toxic relationships are just that ~ toxic!
Returning is never an option ......

Indrani said...

Wishing you all the best in life, my friend.

Gaston Studio said...

Left you something on my post today; drop by and pick it up!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Gosh! What a fantastic piece of writing - thank you so very much for stopping by and leaving that powerful comment which I take on board - it will be difficult to repeat, I know. I'm signing up as your follower. I see from the comments here I am in familiar company with some dear friends and writers/photographer whom I admire very greatly. Eddie

Lilly said...

Just calling by to see how you are - thinking of you.

introspection said...

@ Helen,
Many thanks for your comments....mine is a work in progress, but I m glad I am working on it..!!

@ Indrani
Thank you my friend.

@ Gaston Studio
This is a great honor...!! Many many thanks...I did visit your post and saw my award. I will be following up to do the need ful as soon as I have full access to the internet. I am currently trying to have a break with my children. And I am overwhelmed at the care expressed by my friends in blogsphere. thanks again.

@ Eddie
Thanks for visiting & your encouraging comments on my post. I do believe yours is a wonderful post, and the work of a creative guru. I will come back to read more. Thanks.

@ Lilly

You are such a thoughtful friend Lilly. Thank you for thinking of me. I am here (US) with my daughters trying to make the best of my break, and I cannot thank God enough for giving me this opportunity. Have been keeping in touch with most of the posts of blogsphere, and commenting whenever possible. It's wonderful to keep in touch with you all.
My stay here lasts for another week, and then I will be back to dealing with 'the not so pleasant part of' life. I am truly grateful for your thoughts Lilly. You are a great source of strength to me. thank you.

Indian Youth said...

Verrry touching !:)

It was a pleasure to read.

Viji said...

//But a shorter life well-lived is far more worth living than decades of mere co-existence full of pain and hurt// WELL SAID:-)!

As a woman, appreciate your honesty and courage:-) to stand up and say no to abuse! And, you have written it so well too!

Wishing you Good Luck:-)!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Just calling in to see if you are alright. Have not seen you around lately and wanted to give you a spiritual cuddle.
Take care ~ Eddie

The Things We Carried said...

It has been several months since you have written. I am thinking of you and your story. How I pray and hope you are in the US with your daughters and all is well for you. Know that you are missed, and thought of. Truly I hope you will check in and let us know how things are. Although we have never met, our hearts have connected and I hope life is gentle and good to you in this season.

Hugs to you,
meredith t

introspection said...

@ Indian Youth.
Many thanks for saying that. Apologies for delayed response. Have been away, and just did a new post 'Destiny Decides'. Pls read if you find time to.

Your kindness is appreciated. As far as courage to standing up to fight is concerned, I think I delayed it far too much alreay. Also if any one in my place had been abused so systematically and deliberately; she would do the same. Unfortunately right now destiny has taken over my course of life. I just did a new post, you'll know it if you read it.
Thanks for your comment Viji.

My friend thanks for remembering me, and for all your encouragement. My new post will explain to you my absence from the blogs. take care.

I so appreciate your kindness my friend. Have just written a new post. For now I am flowing with what destiny has decided, but hope to work out some thing better soon.
Thanks again for your touching concern. I feel honoured to be remembered by friends who are great human beings themselves.

Warm feelings for all my friends here.

Kay said...

Very deep, very moving, very powerful

disa said...